I can understand the feeling behind the well wishes. The assumption behind it is that rapists are pure evil and unstoppable- we can’t control them or do anything about them so the only thing we can say that makes a difference is women should stay safe so we say that because we need to say something that feels remotely useful.
But when we do that we are having the wrong conversation. The conversation we *should* be having is about how the person who did this is a person- what would make him do this, what can we do as a society to get through to people like him, what can we do as a society to keep our streets safe from people like him. On the one hand, yes, society is a horrible, tragic mess sometimes and horrible things happen- but we need to stop talking about rape and violence as if they're inevitable. Can we at least attempt to address the problem? I know, it’s harder to think about what the fuck this guy’s brain than it is to tell your female friends to make responsible decisions but guys, keep your eye on the ball.
Seriously though. We know to stay safe. We know we know we know we know we think about it all the time, all of our public decisions are restricted, we often can’t afford to be curious or independent and our lives are less fulfilling for it. Cumulatively, this makes us so very rageful and we are so tired of the conversation about how safe we ought to keep ourselves.
That said, any ladies want to do a self defense course with me? I know there are a few on in Perth- I did one before but that was years ago I could use a refresher.
I'm going to respond to some tweets here, indirectly, so forgive me if I go slightly off-message. It's a bit stream-of-consciousnessy, too. I am evolving my thoughts on this as we go.
ReplyDeleteWe know you know to stay safe. Everyone knows everyone knows to stay safe. Safety is a primary concern of every human.
I'll make the comparison to "How are you?" used as a greeting. I know that sounds flippant, but go with me for a second.
For a long time, when people said that to me, it confused me. I didn't know how to reply. Then one day I realised that the other person didn't actually care. They just wanted me to say "fine", or move on. The words of the greeting were not meant to be taken literally. It was just a greeting.
Certainly, and I am speaking solely for myself here, when I implore people (male or female) to "stay safe", I do not mean those words to mean literally and exclusively "stay safe". What they mean is more like cops telling each other to "watch your back"; they know to watch their backs too. What it means is more like "I care about you, and if you need me, holler and I'll be there as soon as possible". Would it help if I said "watch your back" instead? Would that feel less tiring? Because the two are synonymous in my mind.
I objected to the idea of "don't tell me to stay safe unless you tell dudes to stop raping" for several reasons:
1. Don't tell me not to wish you well. It's not offensive to tell/wish someone something obvious or redundant if the message is positive. I know this because people tell/wish me obvious and redundant things all the time, and it makes me hella uncomfortable, but telling them to stop is bad because the message is as much about the sending as the receiving - as you pointed out in your first paragraph. They're messages of care and they come from a place of love. It's confusing (offensive?) to people when you tell them not to send those messages.
2. "Stay safe" is gender inspecific. Unsafe streets are everyone's problem. Yes, women are more vulnerable, but everyone needs to take precautions, and more importantly we need to help each other take precautions (and insist if necessary). We all have roles of support to play in this.
3. Telling dudes not to rape is a redundant negative message. These messages can be offensive because they do not come from a place of care. They come from a place of suspicion of all dudes. This is not helpful because it makes not-rapey dudes resentful, and it makes culture of "rape suspicion". Which I know exists already, although maybe it's stronger and more pervasive than I thought? Maybe a more open rape suspicion culture would be useful? Maybe not-rapey dudes need to get over the resentfulness and watch each other too? This is a conversation I am willing to have. This seems constructive.
Either way, I reiterate that "stay safe" is a message of care and support and I reject the idea that I should keep messages of care and support to myself.
ReplyDeleteTo your point, I do not feel "stay safe" is the wrong conversation. I think it is a bandage conversation. The world is not the world we want to live in, and we all have day jobs, so unfortunately making it the one we want to live in cannot always be our priority. Thus, we apply the bandage to the wound so that it has less chance of festering, and hope we can get around to some proper doctoring later on. I'm not qualified to talk about the kind of doctoring society needs, but I can apply first aid - whether in word or in deed.
I think we are having two conversations here simultaneously. Tweets I have seen seem to indicate that women think we are conversing about how safe you ought to keep yourselves. This is not the conversation I [hope I] am having. We know that you know that you know that we know that you know to stay safe. I am [trying] to have a conversation where EVERYONE looks out for EVERYONE. And in the meantime, I'm sending some messages of care and support.
How are you?
Have a good flight.
Get well soon.
Buckle up.
Watch your back.
Stay safe.
1. Stream-of-consciousnessy working out of thoughts is what this blog is for. As if I've ever posted anything here that is fully thought through.
ReplyDelete2. Okay I really agree with you here where you say the flat out accusatory tone the anti-stay-safe conversation sometimes takes is not constructive and the more I think about this the more I feel we need to include men in this conversation so much more than we do. The talk around this goes in circles, it is very frustrating- I can see both sides and sort of where they stem from- there are some aspects of the lived experience of women that men don't seem to get sometimes and they can be incredibly dismissive- (this is exasperating)- the conversation that results is more adversarial than called for, much finger-pointing and accusation of misogyny abounds and we don't get to the root of anything. We all need to think about what role we play here. We do ourselves a massive disservice and we are going to get nowhere if we frame this as men against women and I take issue with the people who frame it that way. This is everybody's issue, everybody's society, everybody's responsibility. None of this is really a complete thought yet but I feel it's important.
3. I guess it's not that we have the safety conversation at all that is vexing- fundamentally, the safety conversation makes a lot of sense. It's that it's the dominant conversation when something like this happens, and the other conversation is fairly muted. I really think we need to look at it differently.
4. On a personal note, while I think saying that everyone should look out for everyone is good- this is a positive thing to have in our culture- my reaction is to think about the times in my life when I had absolutely no one. The sentiment that friends should look after friends wouldn't have (didn't) help me. What might have helped is a more secure environment. Or the assurance that if I were to report a threat it would be taken seriously and not backfire on me. Or maybe a culture where the people around me all viewed me as definitely a human? My experience has been that men who commit sexual assault are not hardened psychopaths, they are people who have come to view women as less than human and themselves as entitled to treat women as they see fit. I honestly believe this is something can can address in our culture. For me- I am thinking about the women who don't have support. We need to address the wider issues for them, in addition to looking out for the people in our lives.
5. You might mean "stay safe" as not gender specific- and it's certainly not an offensive thing to say- but everyone is going to interpret what you say to them through their own experiences and for many women, responding to something like this with "stay safe" might bring up feelings of resentment for the restrictions things beyond our control place on our lives because vaginas. You can't really help that but it's good to keep in mind that every interaction is two-sided, how what you say is understood is the sum of two parties' experiences. If that makes sense. I'm saying it's good to think about context and be sensitive to it! Inter-human relations are complicated!