Depression

Hello friends. I have a realtalk to do but I don't know how to talk about it. Bear with me.

I have been depressed for about a year.

I've been trying to deal with it on my own. I keep trying to go to counselling but I think I'm bad at that. Every time a counsellor gets personal with me I feel so awkward and I change the subject to something banal, even if I tell myself at the start I'm not going to do that. I've been on medication for a few months now. It helped a lot for about a month but less so now.

I do not really know what to do about it at this point. The medication stops me crying but doesn't stop me hurting. Actually, I think it just makes it easier to mask my depression (which is not terrible, seeing as I still need to function in my everyday life). It is so strange because I think my life is objectively wonderful. If there was something I wanted to change about my life (that I wasn't already working toward) or a specific issue I needed to get through that would be one thing. But this aimless, milling darkness in my chest? I don't know where to start.

When I am like this it's hard for me to work out what's true. At my lowest it seems absolutely true to me that I am a worthless person and the people around me would be better off if I could just quietly fade into nonexistence. When I'm able to come up for air I can see that that's not true, but when I'm sinking again it seems like everything that made me feel like an okay person was a delusion. I try to step away from myself and I ask myself if I would ever judge another person as harshly as I judge myself (I wouldn't). I try to hold onto that.

I am not at risk for suicide because for one, my responsibilities toward Hero preclude my even considering it. For another, I know how lucky I am. But this pain just won't go away. I can't concentrate on anything.  I need it to stop. I'm desperate for it to stop. I don't know what to do.

I can be honest with people about where I'm at. So today I'm doing that. And then I'm going to get through the rest of today and realise this won't last forever.