Depression

Hello friends. I have a realtalk to do but I don't know how to talk about it. Bear with me.

I have been depressed for about a year.

I've been trying to deal with it on my own. I keep trying to go to counselling but I think I'm bad at that. Every time a counsellor gets personal with me I feel so awkward and I change the subject to something banal, even if I tell myself at the start I'm not going to do that. I've been on medication for a few months now. It helped a lot for about a month but less so now.

I do not really know what to do about it at this point. The medication stops me crying but doesn't stop me hurting. Actually, I think it just makes it easier to mask my depression (which is not terrible, seeing as I still need to function in my everyday life). It is so strange because I think my life is objectively wonderful. If there was something I wanted to change about my life (that I wasn't already working toward) or a specific issue I needed to get through that would be one thing. But this aimless, milling darkness in my chest? I don't know where to start.

When I am like this it's hard for me to work out what's true. At my lowest it seems absolutely true to me that I am a worthless person and the people around me would be better off if I could just quietly fade into nonexistence. When I'm able to come up for air I can see that that's not true, but when I'm sinking again it seems like everything that made me feel like an okay person was a delusion. I try to step away from myself and I ask myself if I would ever judge another person as harshly as I judge myself (I wouldn't). I try to hold onto that.

I am not at risk for suicide because for one, my responsibilities toward Hero preclude my even considering it. For another, I know how lucky I am. But this pain just won't go away. I can't concentrate on anything.  I need it to stop. I'm desperate for it to stop. I don't know what to do.

I can be honest with people about where I'm at. So today I'm doing that. And then I'm going to get through the rest of today and realise this won't last forever.

Stay safe!

I can understand the feeling behind the well wishes. The assumption behind it is that rapists are pure evil and unstoppable- we can’t control them or do anything about them so the only thing we can say that makes a difference is women should stay safe so we say that because we need to say something that feels remotely useful.

But when we do that we are having the wrong conversation. The conversation we *should* be having is about how the person who did this is a person- what would make him do this, what can we do as a society to get through to people like him, what can we do as a society to keep our streets safe from people like him. On the one hand, yes, society is a horrible, tragic mess sometimes and horrible things happen- but we need to stop talking about rape and violence as if they're inevitable. Can we at least attempt to address the problem? I know, it’s harder to think about what the fuck this guy’s brain than it is to tell your female friends to make responsible decisions but guys, keep your eye on the ball.

Seriously though. We know to stay safe. We know we know we know we know we think about it all the time, all of our public decisions are restricted, we often can’t afford to be curious or independent and our lives are less fulfilling for it. Cumulatively, this makes us so very rageful and we are so tired of the conversation about how safe we ought to keep ourselves.

That said, any ladies want to do a self defense course with me? I know there are a few on in Perth- I did one before but that was years ago I could use a refresher.

Hypocritical vegans blah blah blah.

I just have to put this out there: vegans usually know the difference between the ideal they are striving for and the realities they have to work with in pursuit of this ideal. Saying vegans often fail to reach their ideal is sort of a strawman argument. I don’t understand the reasoning behind this line of thinking at all. If you can’t be 100% sure you’re never harming any animal it’s best not to bother at all? No-one who takes a position on anything is immune to compromise in all respects. Being vegan is about feeling the ideal is worth striving for and working to the best of your ability to reach it, not claiming purity.

Sporadically pointing out hypocrisy might not feel like trolling to you but reads as trolling to a vegan. Any point of inconsistency you can think of, chances are pretty high a vegan has already thought about it a lot. When your lifestyle revolves around a specific ethical dilemma you tend to think about the implications of every one of your actions and you’ve come across these inconsistencies in practice.

We can have a conversation about veganism if you want but the conversation is going to be more productive if you ask questions.

That is all.

DELAYED REACTION TO THE BIG BANG THEORY ISSUE

Let's be honest here. It is silly to like the things we like- and to like them so much we kind of want to run around our houses screaming about them all the time. It's also wonderful. Can we acknowledge it's silly and wonderful? And can't we laugh at ourselves for our social shortcomings? Dude, I need to be able to laugh about this. It has to be funny. Otherwise it's just sad.

So. This show is laughing at us. Inasmuch as whatever mysterious quality is the baseline of my personality is also to a large extent the mysterious quality that is the baseline of Sheldon's character it is laughing at me. I get called Sheldon all the time- usually by people who know me well and mean it affectionately. Occasionally someone does seriously make fun of me or implies I'm inferior because I do/say things differently but it's hard to take it personally because I know that person is wrong. In dealing with people who misunderstand me like this I really feel Sheldon helps me. I don't need Sheldon for myself- I have Abed to relate to. I will never be able to explain myself to the Pennys of the world but characters like Sheldon provide a good shorthand for me when I am talking to Pennys and I'm having trouble dialling down my Aspergers so I need to make fun of myself to ease the tension. Sheldon is a likeable character. He's poked fun at but not demonised. I guess I feel like TBBT is to me what Will and Grace* was to the gay community. (I felt) Will and Grace was a terrible show, but it normalised homosexuality for outsiders and gave a demographic formally on the fringe some mainstream credibility. When I was growing up, no one around me knew where I was coming from. An overarching theme of my childhood was "What is Addie and how do we fix it?" Now that Aspergers Syndrome is among the commonly understood syndromes and shows like The Big Bang Theory which showcase Sheldony types are garnering massive viewership, the common reaction to me by Penny People has shifted to "Addie is kind of Sheldon and maybe we should just let Addie be Addie". And yeah, maybe they're trying to sell this show to me and people like me and it's kind of a farce. I don't really buy it. I know this show isn't really for me, it's for Penny. That's fine.

Okay actually it's not entirely fine. There is a frustration here. There is something about The Big Bang Theory that rings really false. These characters are someone else's interpretation of us. The people who are writing these characters don't think we're inferior but they don't quite get us either. For me this is a familiar frustration because for most of my life I have been a media-obsessed girl/woman and I've been watching as girls and women have been portrayed by my beloved media with truth and dimension APPROXIMATELY NONE OF THE TIME. Sorry, I don't mean to go capitals on that point but oh my god. Of course Community does it better- in terms of portraying nerdery and geekdom because the writers are obviously nerds and geeks and they're coming from a place of love. Abed is a better-written character-with-Aspergers-tendencies than Sheldon, I think in part because the character is based on a real person and not just a premise. Community also does pretty well in the woman department. I think this is not entirely unattributable to the fact that a lot of the writers are women. Characters written by someone coming from inside an experience have more depth and honesty to them than characters written from someone on the outside. Who'da thunk?

Mostly I don't think The Big Bang Theory is a good show because it isn't very funny. It's not never funny but it's sparse and the spaces between the funny give me a lot of time to think about how they could have done nerd better. So I guess my problem with the show isn't that it makes fun of me. I think it should try harder to make fun of me and make fun of me more accurately.

*Hmm I'm not entirely sure this is an apt comparison and also I have no idea how the gay community received Will and Grace in its time.

ARGH STOP

For the love of all that is good, Australia, would you please stop with the slippery slope argument? I don’t know what else to say. We need as a country to not greet every social issue that crops up with an overwhelming

BUT WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE THE LINE HAS TO BE THERE OTHERWISE THERE WILL BE NO LINE EVERYONE WILL DO EVERYTHING

Dude! There will always be a line! That’s how society- especially Australian society- works. It will just, ideally, be in a more humane and inclusive position. I have to assume you are working off the assumption that society is a stagnant thing? It’s not. It’s going to keep changing and breaking and we’re going to have to keep fixing it, which means we’re going to be constantly re-establishing where the lines are. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s going to be okay. More okay, in fact, if you will just relinquish your weird attachment to the way things are at this brief moment in history and let us break some ground here and keep up with who we've become and who we're going to be.

I love people. But when you are willfully ignorant like this it’s confusing. It makes me angry at you and admittedly somewhat dismissive of who you are as a person.

In conclusion I would like to, I don’t know, ban the slippery slope argument from all political and social discourse because it is stupid and holds no merit whatsoever and it derails everything and makes me spend an unreasonable amount of time thinking about how stupid the slippery slope argument is. Stop. Shhhhh.

Other people say these things better than I do. And who am I raging against? Not likely anyone who follows me on twitter and certainly no one who would come across my “blog”.

Ugh. I need to stop reading the Internet.

TOO LONG TO TWEET

I feel like saying we shouldn't export hip hop to other cultures because they don't have the same understanding of it that educated people do might be a little, er, condescending. For one, it's not like the culture is imported into a vacuum. What I have observed in China and Indonesia is that yes, Western popular culture is a big part of local popular culture but they usually project local values onto Western media- it's not like they absorb everything without question. And I am uncomfortable dictating what kind of music one culture I am not a part of should be making and another culture I am not a part of should be consuming.

Either way- of the two ways I see this argument going, I am more in favour of education than censorship.

I'm not saying that the common misogynistic/homophobic stuff is okay. I really don't think it is. I don't know what to do about this except to remain critical/be supportive of artists that go against the grain (eg Frank Ocean?) and a greater diversity of voices (more womenz). I'm not sure I'm the best person to make this argument as my understanding of hip hop and hip hop culture is not very deep.

You bring up an interesting point, though. And I will add "Influence of American hip hop on Chinese culture" to my list of potential honours topics. Surprisingly, not much research has been done on it already.

Also, what is the documentary? I want to watch it! I can never get enough media/identity politics.

Two Conversations With Hero This Morning

1:

Me: *Sleeping*. [My mouth is suddenly full of chocolate]. *Sputter*.

Hero: Chocolate makes you verrry happy.

Me: *Sputter*

Hero: Are you happy now? I forgot to do something.

Me: Huh? What did you forget?

Hero: I forgot to go to the toilet. I had an accident. You're not angry. You're verrry happy.

------------------

2:

Me: *Washing dishes, listening to podcasts*

Thomas Mullaney on my podcast: I'm working on a history of the typewriter in China. I'm thinking of calling it "The Typing Rebellion".

Me: *Laughs heartily*. [I find puns unironically hilarious].

Hero: *Rushes into the kitchen*. What is it? What's funny??

Me: He said... The guy said "typing rebellion". It was funny.

Hero: *Pretends to laugh loudly for a second then stops cold*. But it wasn't.

Me: It wasn't?

Hero: You laugh at the wrong things, mom. *Shakes his head, leaves the room*.